Penn State Center for Women Students

The goal of this pamphlet is to provide information about how to help someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped. Survivors look to those closest to them for support, encouragement, and advice. However, family and friends of survivors are often confused about the role they should play during a survivor’s healing process. Understanding what sexual assault and rape are, as well as knowing some of the feelings survivors experience is important for friends and family members.

As a result of being raped or assaulted, many survivors may leave school, isolate themselves from others, and even attempt suicide. As someone close to the survivor, it is important that you know how to react to her* feelings and beliefs. Knowing the impact of rape or sexual assault on a survivor’s life will enable you to be more supportive. This pamphlet provides useful information to help in her healing process.

Sexual Assault Hurts Us All

One of the most important aspects of helping someone survive a sexual assault or rape is understanding that what happened is not their fault. Because it is ultimately the rapist’s decision to carry out the act of rape, victims of this crime should not be blamed for any part of the assault. Often, survivors question their role in the assault, perhaps blaming themselves for using poor judgment. While a victim may have been in a vulnerable situation, it was ultimately the perpetrator’s decision to take advantage of her. The victim/survivor did not deserve to be raped. No one deserves to be raped. An understanding of why rape and sexual assault occur is important because it provides us with the tools to help survivors.

Sexual assault is having sex with someone without permission or consent. Rape is a form of sexual assault in which the perpetrator uses force or the threat of force to obtain sex. The rapist’s intent is to exert control through sexual violence. Rape is not an act of sexual gratification; it is a crime that uses sex as a mechanism to achieve power. Sexual violence is a learned behavior; men who rape are not born that way. Perpetrators learn through socialization that it is acceptable to use force to achieve power and control. Regardless of whether or not force is used, a survivor experiences rape/sexual assault as an act of violence, humiliation, and a loss of control over her body. Assisting rape and sexual assault survivors can be very difficult and extremely complex. However, survivors need support from their friends and family. Educating yourself about sexual assault and rape is one step in this process.

Survivors of Sexual Assault

Rape/sexual assault survivors may have several different reactions to their experience. Similar to survivors of other life-threatening crimes, survivors of sexual assault often have stressful reactions that can affect them both emotionally and physically. Reactions to this type of violaton are both personal and individual. Therefore, it is important to remember that not all survivors react the same, or have the same types of feelings. Below are some common reactions of sexual assault survivors.

Shock, Fear:

In the hours and days immediately following the attack, shock and denial are common reactions. It is often difficult for survivors to believe that the assault actually occurred. The survivor may show strong emotions and appear visibly disturbed, crying, shaking, or even fainting. The most common reaction immediately following an attack is fear. Survivors often fear that the attacker will return to hurt them again. They may also fear being alone, being in places similar to where the assault took place, or being around people who remind them of the attacker. Survivors often experience Rape Trauma Syndrome, which is a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Denial:

Denial is a common feeling for sexual assault and rape survivors. Often, survivors deny that the assault has affected them, and may repeatedly assure their family and friends that they are fine. There are several reasons why a survivor may deny the effect of the assault. Survivors may believe that no one wants to hear about their experience anymore, or they may attempt to shut out the pain and return to "normal" again. Denial of the assault can last a brief time, or for several years following the attack. It is not uncommon for survivors to turn to dangerous coping mechanisms in an attempt to numb the feelings, such as abusing alcohol and drugs, disordered eating, or overworking. It is important to empower survivors to express their reactions and feelings. Emphasizing that you are not tired of listening to them sort through their feelings will allow them to feel more comfortable with themselves.

Suffering, Feelings of Loss:

Once the survivor understands the reality of the assault and the effect it may have on her life, she may experience strong feelings of loss and depression. Common reactions include fear, nightmares, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, physical aches and pains, difficulty concentrating, and feelings of discomfort regarding intimacy. A survivor may have very disturbing, painful memories of the assault, as well as "flashbacks" in which she will physiologically relive the attack. Similarly, it is not uncommon for survivors to misdirect feelings of anger and loss towards those whom they love and trust. Therefore, it is important to remain patient and understand that the survivor is not personally attacking you.

Resolution, Acceptance:

After some time, survivors will begin to resolve their feelings about the sexual assault, the attacker, and themselves. Accepting that the assault took place and being able to integrate it as an event in one’s life is perhaps the most painful part of the healing process. Individual survivors will differ in their ability to reach this level of acceptance. As someone close to the survivor, it is important to understand this difference. Integrating the assault as an event in one’s life does not mean forgetting it, or diminishing its effects. Rather, it allows the survivor to acknowledge that she survived the attack, and can continue with her life.

Important Ways Family and Friends Can Help

Be clear that the rape or assault was not the survivor’s fault. No one ever asks to be raped or assaulted. Raping someone is a conscious decision made by the perpetrator. Even if the survivor exercises bad judgment, she/he did not deserve to be raped; no one does.

Believe the survivor. Feeling that she is believed by family and friends is essential for a rape survivor’s recovery. She has to overcome many obstacles to be able to speak out about what has happened. Allow the survivor to know you are open to hearing about her feelings and experiences. Although it may be painful for you to hear about what happened, letting the survivor know you are willing to enter those difficult places with her is important.

Do not question or judge what the survivor had to do to survive. During a rape/sexual assault, victims are forced to make instant life threatening decisions. These decisions should not be criticized later. Survivors may not always scream or fight back. Their survival is evidence that they handled the assault the best way they could. Expressing to the survivor that you are thankful that she is alive enables her to feel more secure about her judgments.

Be respectful of the survivor’s decisions. Often a survivor will not want to report the assault to the police. While you may not always agree with these types of decisions, respecting and supporting the survivor is very empowering. Supporting a survivor in this way enables her to feel in control of her life, a feeling that was taken away during the assault.

Validate and protect the survivor’s feelings: anger, pain, and fear. These are natural responses to traumatic experiences. The survivor needs to express them, feel them, and be heard. Protecting the survivor’s confidentiality or anonymity is an important step in gaining her trust.

Express your compassion. If you are feeling outrage, compassion, or pain, share these emotions with the survivor. There is nothing more comforting than genuine human response. Be cautious, however, that your responses are not too overwhelming for the survivor. Often family and friends of survivors feel compelled to "go after" the perpetrator. These feelings are very real and very understandable. However, they can be channeled in more non-violent ways.

Encourage the survivor to get support. In addition to offering your own caring, encourage her to reach out to others. You can help find someone with whom she can talk. (Rape crisis centers have sexual assault/rape counselors.) Similarly, you may have many feelings about the rape/assault. Consider getting support for yourself, too. You will need to take care of yourself in order to be supportive of the survivor.

Get help if the survivor is suicidal. Most survivors are not suicidal, but sometimes the emotional pain of the assault/rape is so devastating that they may want to kill themselves. If you are close to a survivor who is suicidal, get immediate help for her.

Resist seeing the survivor as a victim. Continue to see the person as a strong, courageous individual who is reclaiming her/his own life.

Accept that there may be changes in your relationship with the survivor. The person you love is changing, and you may need to change in response. Patience on your part is crucial to her healing process. Healing is a slow process that cannot be hurried.

Educate yourself about sexual assault/rape and the healing process. If you have a basic idea of what the survivor has experienced, it will help you be supportive. Talking with other survivors, supporters of survivors, and/or utilizing services designed to help survivors will help you gain knowledge. This pamphlet includes resources that provide useful information. It is also important to educate yourself about the rape and sexual assault laws in your state.

Education Resources

Books

Austin, P. Surviving Sexual Assault. Chicago: Congdon & Weed, Inc., 1991.

Bass, E. & Davis, L. The Courage to Heal. New York: Harper-Perennial Publishers, 1992.

Benedict, H. Recovery: How to Survive Sexual Assault for Women, Men, Teenagers, and Their Friends and Families. Garden City, NY: Doubleday and Co., 1994.

Levine, R. When You Are the Partner of a Rape or Incest Survivior: A Workbook for You. San Jose, CA: Resource Publications, 1996.

McEvoy, A. & Brookings, J. If She is Raped: A Guidebook for Husbands, Fathers, and Male Friends. FL: Learning Publications, 1991.

Scarce, M. Male on Male Rape: The Hidden Toll of Stigma. Garden City, NY: Doubleday and Co., 1997.

Internet Sites

Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse

Men Can Stop Rape

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)