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Help your student survive relationship breakups

By Mary Anne Knapp, LCSW, Clinical Social Worker for the Center for Counseling and Psychological Services

If you remember the song “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” you are older than today’s traditional-age college student. However, you may also be young enough at heart to remember that the breakup of first love or a first significant relationship can feel devastating. If you thought it was forever (or you hoped that it was) you may have felt symptoms of loss, grief, unhappiness, and depression.

Even though times have changed since your youth, the pain of a breakup remains intense for today’s college students. Many students can end up in an emotional tailspin and even lose a sense of themselves and their identity as they deal with feelings of grief and loss. For some this may be their first encounter with such intense feelings. For others life may feel like an endless procession of relationships that “never work out” beginning with divorce in the family or moving away from friends. Some students restrict their social networks and their interactions after starting a relationship with this one person. Thus, they feel lost without the relationship as an anchor. Other students may even consider or attempt suicide as a reaction to the intensity of the immediate crisis. This can happen as the student tries to imagine life without that loved one (even though they may only have been together a few months).

As a parent it can be frightening to contemplate the vulnerability of a college student after a relationship breakup. It may be reassuring to know that many students will seek out counseling services on their own or through the referral of friends. However, if you are aware of a situation because your son or daughter confides in you, here are some things you can keep in mind – and share with your son or daughter – about surviving relationship breakups.

Relationship breakup survival tips

• When a relationship ends it’s important to make time to think about the relationship and your personal identity. Allowing the feelings of grief and loss can aid the healing process.
• As one part of the process, journal writing or talking to loved ones who aren’t involved in the relationship can help. Reading self help books about ending relationships and recovery from loss can also be beneficial.
• Making a schedule of activities can temporarily serve to fill the void left by the partner. It’s important to remember, however that things may take more time and you may not be as productive for awhile when you are grieving.
• Allowing friends and loved ones to support you or remind you why you don’t want to return to the relationship can help you stay grounded.
• Connecting to other dimensions of self other than the relationship can broaden perspective. Some examples include: 1) connecting to your body through exercise or eating favorite foods (in moderation); 2) connecting with nature by going for walks, watching the sunrise, and actually looking at the world around you; and 3) connecting with your spiritual and philosophical beliefs or political causes.
• Spend part of each day focusing on NOW and the possibilities for pleasure and enjoyment that you may have missed while you were in a relationship.
• If the relationship is healthy enough to tolerate this and both parties are interested, it can be helpful to set up some times to talk about the relationship and why it’s ending. Setting up an appointment time also helps to structure this discussion.
• Nurture your relationship with yourself. This relationship is the most important one you have and is always with you. Learn to be supportive, positively challenging, and self-soothing in how you talk with yourself.
• Seeking professional counseling services can be especially important if you feel intense anxiety, depression or anger, if you are suicidal or if the relationship was abusive. At University Park, you can call the Center for Counseling and Psychological Services at 863-0395 for a consultation appointment.

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